The Dog's Diary: Sticks and Swords
by Natmonkey
Summary: As the lady adventurers go about their night on the town, Stubbs is left alone to amuse himself. Who better to bother than Sten?


_Another breakdown of the characters appearing here: Tin Can - Alistair / the lady - human female mage / the female dog - Ser Cauthrien / Beardy - Arl Eamon / Stick - Jowan / the nice female - Leliana / the statue - Shale / the giant - Sten / Firefur - Oghren / Pointy Ears - Zevran / the angry female - Morrigan. Dweeb should be Dwyn and Tony is a hamster I just insinuated into the stories here and there.  
_

* * *

Ooh, I like this place! Smells like dogs and all kinds of yummy stuff. I can't believe humans throw that away. It's perfectly good garbage. Nice for rolling around in. Some you could even eat. Oh yes, I remember now. We have been close to this place before. Tin Can's sister lives around here. She was mean. I don't think we will see her again. Poor Tin Can. He was so sad. But the lady is making him happy now. With hugs and lots of mating. Mating sure makes humans happy. When will I get to mate? Doesn't matter, I have stuff to do. Order of the day: kill darkspawn and protect the lady. No, first protect the lady, then kill darkspawn. Or protect the lady by killing darkspawn.

The lady wants to rest; can't blame her. She is always running around and doing stuff. She deserves it. This female in a tin can was mean to her today, because the lady said she was a bad dog. But I'm a good dog, she said. Yay! I wonder why she called her a dog? She didn't look like one; she didn't even smell like one. Humans are so weird sometimes.

I'll go exploring on my own. Who knows what I will find? Oh hey! There is Tin Can! "Tin Can!" I run up to him for petting, but he doesn't even see me. What is wrong with him? Straight to the lady's room he goes. And here is Beardy. Maybe Beardy is looking for Tin Can. They are family, the lady once told me. "You should leave Tin Can alone, Beardy," I tell him. "I don't think he wants to see you." Tin Can is important, the lady said. Duh. The lady loves him so much and he loves her right back. I still miss Stick though. Good old Stick.

The old human smiles and pats my head. "Good dog." Nobody understands me. Ugh. Why aren't they just a little smarter? There he goes again. Also to the lady's room, but I guess she told him Tin Can isn't there, because he is going somewhere else. Lies, I know he is in there. What does Beardy want from my friend? Another mystery.

~*|'-'|*~

What is so great about this "going out" the females are talking about? We are outside most of the time. Nothing to get all excited about. They won't even take me along. Girls only, says the nice female. Humph, well, I don't even _want_ to go. Why are they taking the statue, though? Gasp. Is the statue a _girl_? No… I don't think so. Must be because it is so good at carrying things and keeping the big bads away. I think I will hang out with the giant. See if I can teach him some manners. First though, I will eat this delicious meat the lady has given me. Yum.

~*|'-'|*~

"Hello giant." He looks at me and nods. I sit myself by his feet. "What are you doing?"

"I am caring for my blade." That is a big sword. The one the lady had us fetch. "She must remain in good condition."

Itchy. I scratch behind my ear. "You must love it a lot." He is always caring for that thing. It's sharp and shiny. I don't really get what he is saying. "What is a soul?"

"It is nothing to concern yourself over, Stubbs." The giant scratches between my ears. He gives good pettings too, but not very often. "A dog has no need for such concepts."

"No, I only care about protecting my lady." She is so awesome. Every time I think of her, which is a lot, my tail starts wagging. The lady makes me happy. "And killing those stupid darkspawn."

The giant puts away his sword. He looks like he is thinking very serious thoughts. "Your mistress surprises me, I must admit." He shakes his head. "A woman, a warrior and a mage." Another head shake. "It's baffling. Surely these cannot all be true?"

"I know, isn't the lady awesome? She can do anything!" My tail begins wagging even harder. Oh, I know why he is looking all funny like that. "You love her too, don't you? That is why you were cuddling her." Oh, I'm on to him. Nobody hides anything from Stubbs; I'm too smart.

"I wouldn't put it like that, no." The giant scratches his head. "She has, however, returned my soul to me. How could I not hold her in high esteem then?"

Hey! "We got your sword back, you know. Firefur, Pointy Ears, angry female and me!" The nerve. We had to work hard. Stupid Dweeb didn't want to give us the sword. Those silly humans kept fighting each other. I met Tony though, so it wasn't all bad. I think I did most of the work.

"I value you most of all, of course." Such good pettings… I lie on my back and let the giant stroke my belly. "You are a true warrior and have proven yourself worthy of my respect many times over." I don't know what respect is, exactly. Must be good though. "Shall I throw a stick for you?"

I jump to my feet; my tail is wagging so hard right now. "I thought you'd never ask!" I know where to find a stick. There it is. The lady doesn't use it much; she has a sword now. "Throw this for me."

"I doubt your mistress will appreciate that." He takes the stick from me. "Don't you have anything smaller?"

Oh yes, I was going to teach him manners. "You should be nicer to the lady, you know."

"I shall begin by returning her staff to her chambers," he nods. Good start. "Perhaps she even has a stick we might use."

"Look in her pack!" The giant finds a cloth thingy. There is something in it that looks like a small stick. Then he takes it out. That is definitely not a stick. "What is that?"

The giant's eyes suddenly look a lot bigger. His mouth opens, closes. "This…" Quickly he puts the thing away – it's made from metal and looks a bit like the lady's old house, only much smaller. Wonder what it's for. It smells like the lady's mating-scent. "This is really none of our business."

"Why is your face all red, giant?" I've never seen him like this.

"It isn't!" He puts the lady's pack back. "Come, we will surely find a stick outside."

What is the matter with him? Giants are weird too sometimes.

* * *

_If you're confused, the thing they found in the lady's pack is a vibrator. Yes, a vibrator. It makes its first appearance in AdF 9 as Branka's last invention. No wonder Sten is all embarrassed, finding a fake cock among somebody's belongings. Which he had no business being in in the first place, I might add.  
_


End file.
